Marshall Lewis, You Are Loved

Romans 8:38-39  

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

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 In June of 1980, I was 14 years old. The school year in Niagara Falls, NY was ending and I couldn’t wait for summer to begin. I don’t know what I was excited to begin, but the simple fact that there would be no more early alarm noise for two months was exactly what I needed.

Writing this reminds me of how good I had it. My parents bought a house on Willow Avenue, 1855 to be exact. I ate every day, wore clean clothes, and could talk on the phone for a good 30 minutes before I was told my yap trap had gone into overtime and it was time to hang up. I’m also reminded that I didn’t have my dog Fritz yet. My father bought him the summer of 1981. Life was grand!

On most mornings, I walked to school with my friend Cynthia. Her family lived on the corner house on 18^th and Michigan Avenue. I would walk down 18^th Street, wait for her outside, and then we would walk down Michigan while having an entire conversation about nothing. It was important nothing, though, so that made it special.

We’d get to the corner of Michigan Avenue and have to cross over 16^th Street and walk though Gluck Park to arrive at North Junior High School. On June 17, 1980, life “growed” us up in a hurtful flash. We looked to the right and there had been a house fire. The smell of wet wood, wet fire, wet smoke and unbeknownst to us, wet death suffocated the air.

My eyes grew large with sadness and my mouth dropped open after the ensuing shock.

“Cynthia…Marshall’s house caught on fire.”

“Ah ha, ah ha, Marshall’s house caught on fire!” She pointed her finger towards the house to make sure I knew which house it was. Of course I knew, but I believe my gaze went from her finger to the house.

“Cynthia that’s not funny. His house caught on fire.”

I can’t remember if we said anything else as we walked the remaining five minutes to school. I do remember a feeling of sadness and I’m sure she felt the same.

Like the other students, I took my seat in homeroom class and waited for attendance to begin. We all settled down waiting for our name to be called and readily answering. “Here.” That didn’t happen on June 17, 1980.

I’m sorry I can’t remember my homeroom teacher’s name. I just remember that she was an old white woman who, now that I’ve lived a little bit, looked like Barbara Bush.

She sat at her desk the same as she did every day. This day there was no smile on her face and no expression. She didn’t call the first name, either. Instead, she stared straight ahead, looking at no one in particular, and said words that probably broke the heart of every teenager in the room.

“Marshall Lewis died today. Marshall Lewis is dead.”

Gasps and silent chatter filled the room. I turned around to look at Marshall’s desk and he wasn’t there. I don’t remember much that happened inside school on that half-day. I do remember getting out of school and having to walk the same route I’d taken that morning - right past Marshall’s house.

I walked alone trying not to look and staring at the same time. I was 14 and this was the first time that I was adult sick. Being adult sick doesn’t belong on a child. A common cold, the chicken pox, maybe even a headache, but adult sick?

My mother made us use the side door because we were not going in and out her front door. All that ripping and running was for side doors. Entering the side door if you turned to the right you could walk down the stairs, which led to the family room/basement. If you walked three steps up you would be in the kitchen. I walked up the three stairs into the kitchen.

I went to the sink and washed my hands because you can’t have outside hands on the inside, and then proceeded to do nothing. I opened up and closed cabinet doors. I picked up a glass and put it down. I look out the window for nothing hoping to see something. I paced a bit and then stood still. My mother had a small radio in the kitchen and although I had been in there for at least a minute, it was the first time I heard it.

One in a Million You, by Larry Graham came on and I began crying. I cried and cried, and cried. And then I stopped. I cleaned myself up and went back to being the 14-year-old girl that I was when I woke up on June 17, 1980.

For 46 years every time I heard, One in a Million You, I’d turn off the radio and proclaim how much I hate that song. For 46 years I have thought off and on about Marshall Lewis. I’ve tried to write about him, but I never talked about him. These last two months he’s hung around, so…

Unspoken words hurt. Unspoken truths hurt. Unspoken words that are true hurt the most. Stop trying to protect yourself from your truth. You end up not defending yourself when you should, put a wall up when you shouldn’t, and become a play toy for people who have no rules.

Marshall used to pull my hair, chase me down the hall, push and poke me. I always said, “Stop it, Marshall, with yo’ black ugly self!” Shoot, that negro didn’t care what I said because the next day he was right back to pulling my hair and chasing me.

I asked God to forgive me for getting upset with Cynthia. She responded to seeing the house like a 14-year-old that was scared. She didn’t know. I have asked God to forgive me for being mad for so many years at the teacher. I felt she should have said more or said it differently. She didn’t know. The 14-year-old me didn’t know how to give grace. The 60-year-old me does.

46 years of holding this, what I believe my truth is, is the fact that I didn’t say anything when the teacher made the announcement. I should have spoken up for Marshall. What would I have said?

I thank God for memories, that I never forgot him, and that I still remember what Marshall looked like. As I write this, I can see him, sitting at his desk in the back of the room, with a little goofy crooked smile on his face. I bet he was plotting what time during the day he'd chase me…

Yah’ll, the state of affairs right about now ain’t right. A smile. A hug. A phone call. A visit. A text. Love on someone. Love on yourself.

I luv you.

One in a Million You

Stipulate My Love

 

Colossians 3:14

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Stipulations within relations (ships)? Hmmmmm...agreements maybe? What's allowed? What's fair game? Is the 50/50 thing true, exaggerated or overrated?

When you truly believe that your heart longs for a connection, you might make wrong decisions. What we accept is in no way acceptable when the only love involved is yours. When the love is not for yourself, but for someone that doesn't love you, the stipulations are never in your favor.

 A simple question with requirements caused my mind to run rampant. A male suitor asked me for a date, and he presented me with three options.

1. Dinner, a nighttime stroll, and late night "activities" at my home.

2. Dinner, a nighttime stroll, and late night "activities" at his place.

3. Dinner, no nighttime stroll, I have to eat everything I order - no doggy bag, and he will drop me off at the curb in front of my house.

Number 3 is hilarious, so much so, that it caused me not to accept the invitation.

Was the invitation asked with stipulations, or was it simply a plan? Probably just a plan. Trying not to cross lines and analyze everything is difficult when you're a thinker who doesn't know when to turn it off.

Stipulations are usually followed with an ultimatum. Does an ultimatum exist when you're in love? Are you in love at all? Why would you willingly want to hurt someone you love? Are you protecting yourself? And why do you need protection from love? So many questions that I don't have answers to.

“If I do that for you, you have to do something for me.”

“Remember that time I did _____________? “

“You owe me ___________.”

“I’m not doing anything until you do ___________.”

"Before we go any further let's talk about a prenup."

Negro - and that's negro with a short I, two medium length G's and a long A.

What kind of stipulations do you desire? If someone says they will love you forever, no questions asked, through thick, thin, trouble, joy and happiness, is that all right? Does that sound like a fairytale or a dream that will never come true? Not to me. Stipulate my love with a dark, sweet cherry on top. I'm here for it all.

Sometimes breaking unspoken rules hurt the most. A connection that cannot be explained, only understood between two is a blood flowing, heart pumping bone tingling love. I’m here for it all.

When you're in it you can't change your mind. No take backs. You take care of me, and I'll take care of everything else kind of love. That’s what we want. Stipulate My Love.

Ask yourself if you're lonely. I can honestly answer no. A lonely heart causes problems. An idle mind invites temptation. The things we accept just because. Nope! Not in 2026, playa, not in 2026.

Stipulate My Love with unconditional love. Disagree in love. Argue in love. Have conversations in love. Love in love.  We owe it to ourselves to accept nothing less. When there is no love or thought in the process, there is no there. You can't change the way folks present their “stuff” to you, but you can control and change the way it affects your atmosphere. You deserve so much more, my friend. Keep living and keep loving...it's on the way.

I luv you.

 

Death Does NOT Become Her

 

I’m not sure of the date, but I wrote this in the latter part of 2017, most likely during the month of August, September or October. Recently, I flipped through my study Bible and saw that I wrote the date 8/13/17 in the book of 2 Kings 4:7 - 5:1. In my study Bible the chapter titles are,                 

1. Elisha Raises the Shunammite's Son.

2. Elisha Purifies the Pot of Stew.

3. Elisha Feeds One Hundred Men.

4. Naaman’s Leprosy Healed.

Written across the top of the two pages are simple words, posed as a question to myself. What has God given me and I’m watching it die?

Sporadic thoughts travel through my mind similar to a sniper rapidly firing in a failed professional attempt to hit the target. The sniper knows if the bullseye is not met, they will be the next. Deemed a failure, or the ultimate – sent to the undertaker without a chance to notify their next of kin. Okay, wait, it’s not that bad. I think I should stop watching hitman movies late at night.

I’ve read the chapters a few times and cannot figure out or remember why I wrote those words in that chapter. I ask myself what has God given me?  Am I watching it die? What is the state of your mind in to allow yourself to sit and watch something die? You have to do something. Try something. Call for help. Watch it die? No, that’s not me at all.

Proactive. Productive. Persevere. Pounce. Push.

It could be that I am in yet another shift. Yes, that’s it. The P-Shift. Last night I woke up from  a deep sleep, a calling the hogs kind of sleep. I can’t recall if I was dreaming, but I sat up, grabbed my phone and typed the words, peace,(heavy on the peace) prosperity (heavy on the prosperity) and purpose (heavy on the purpose).

I stared at the ceiling thinking about my past and dozed off and on trying to figure it out. Questioning myself, and twisting and turning like a broken Rubik’s Cube. Just can’t get right. Answers come from the most beautiful places and always on time Basically, everything is not that deep. Everything is not a 10,000 piece puzzle, complete with missing pieces, that has to be put together in one hour. I don’t have to figure it all out because there is nothing to figure out. Just live, Wanda. Just live.

I’m not watching what God has given me die, but I am guilty of not giving it the nourishment it requires. Seeing those words were the signal for me to come out of hibernation. My signal for contentment to move over, mind its business, and stop me from relaxing in someone else’s comfort zone.

What I know for sure is that He will move you away from what is killing you, breathe life into you as He carries you through, and allow you to watch the beauty of you flourish before your eyes.

I luv you.

Driving On a Dream

 

Deuteronomy 13:1-5

Ecclesiastes   5:3, 7

Matthew         27:19

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How many moments have you missed while being preoccupied with nothing? Something? Uninterrupted bliss that has no meaning, yet you seem to adore the idle time spent. If you sit and ponder years gone by, the inability to count the time not well spent might possibly hurt your feelings.

Dreams, in the same thought process, sometimes, have a meaning. Could the sometimes be always? The numbers dream, the fish dream, and the worst one of them all, the bathroom dream. Trying to figure out the real and true meaning  might cause endless grief. Creating fantasy ideas and attempting to see them through because you had a dream based on mindless activity, is a fool’s paradise on a deserted island.

Daydreaming is classified as creative mind wandering, escapes and premonitions. We’re present, yet not aware of the real-time life that is currently passing us by. Moments that we’ll never see or experience again simply because our imagination has taken over our life reigns momentarily. What is your reality? Is your fantasy more intriguing? Will you manifest it into a living, breathable thing? A thing that you will nurture? A thing that will satisfy you? A thing that is as passionate about you as you are about it?

Recently while driving my mind wandered to a lovely place. The place was pristine and immaculate, so much so,  that I forget I was driving. I know, right? It wasn’t a falling asleep at the wheel wandering because my peripheral vision was on guard. I'd  driven down this particular road many times and have seen deer readying themselves to run the 100 meter dash. A passing car is the same as a starter pistol and most times the deer and the car are never the victor.

My interrupted reality, although brief, was beautiful. I’m not certain of what I daydreamed about, but I am certain that one hundred percent absolute peace covered me. Wandering in imagination and the present met head on. A disastrous collision didn’t occur; the realization that my thing is coming did. I know this without a doubt because God shook me out of the daydream. He allowed me to experience His beauty in the present, as well as what He has in store for me.

The picture above is what I saw when my focused returned. I saw beauty in my future and saw beauty in my present. I didn’t miss a thing! His protection is amazing! Stop thinking it’s you. Stop thinking it’s them. Start believing it’s always Him.

There have been times when I imagine, or daydream about situations I wanted to begin and end differently. There are times when I simply zone out and think about nothing. I’ve been told that I have the attention span of lint (I do have the attention span of lint, but I digress) Do I always dream right? No. Have I learned not to linger long and wrong? Eh, I’m working on that.

I know what I like and what I’m passionate about. I can’t put a title on what my thing is. A portion of it is peaceful excitement. I’ve learned that if “that” didn’t work it’s okay. Frustration and worry are not part of anybody’s goodness.

As always, keep believing, keep living, and keep loving. I’m not suggesting to literally drive and dream, but drive your dreams until you’re able to feel, touch, see and even smell them. Move out of your way and gain understanding. Keep rolling my friend because His dream for you is some kind of good.

 I luv you.

                                                                  My Tommy😊

                                                            

In All Things

Ephesians 4:6

Father of All. Above All. Through All.

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When life happens and changes for you, it's not solely just for you. You should tell it, share it and ultimately encourage someone else. Good things happen to good people (I'm that good people) and every part of that good needs to be shared.

First,  I have to say that I am grateful for my place of employment. Grateful and thankful. You know you gotta give thanks before you blast off. At least that's the made up rule "we" follow and change with each situation, so follow the bouncing ball and try not to catch a case of a little whiplash.

"Let's get ready to rumble!"

"On your mark, get set, go!"

"Gentlemen, start your engines!"

"You dropped a bomb on me!"

"Action!"

I know I hear each of those statements in unison when I enter the building where I work. An unorganized insane asylum where everyone knows how to solve the problem. Along with the problem solving  everyone should add that everyone is the problem. Like, for real, what?

Imagine walking on a live minefield with hot cherry bombs dropping from the ceiling. They land close enough to shock your shell, but not close enough to deter you from your assigned mission. The most you can do is suck your teeth or scrunch your face, and keep on stepping towards the next quiet kaboom.

Exaggerated chaos. Uh, what is exaggerated chaos? Chaos in itself is a stand alone noun that doesn't need a sentence to gain understanding. Twenty-five assignments have to be completed each minute at the same time without delay. Oh, did I mention grenades? I can't forget about the grenades. Pull your pin and get it in! What?

I work in the back of the building and it takes 200+ steps to get from the front to my designated work area. While walking to the back of the building I might have to stop, drop and roll, dip, slip, and dodge a bullet, defend myself with a shield and swing a sword. Exaggerated chaos indeed!

To think that someone traveled that hideous obstacle course to find me - just me, is amazing! Before the person reached me, I was aggravated, bothered and annoyed. They came because they needed me, but in actuality, I needed them. 

They received bad news and the grenades, cherry bombs and minefield wouldn't stop them from getting to me. Would you believe they asked me to pray for them? Me? Pray for you? Ain't nothing but God!

God sent her to me for me. I prayed and spoke what God placed in my heart for her. God sent her to me when I was just about done. What is wrong with people? I was so sick of all of it! And then I wasn't. Why? Because He is in all things.

He was all in her thing and gave her what she needed. He was all in my thing and gave me what I needed. In all of that exaggerated chaos we needed to hit the brakes and pray. For those few moments I didn't hear or see confusion. I saw God's love for me.

The next day I saw her and asked how she felt. She said she was okay and added she appreciated me. Man, listen...I navigated my way through the minefield knowing that I know, that I know, that I know He is in all things.

You're never alone. When you're frustrated and disengaged He's there. In your happiness or feeling of rejection, He's there. He's in the cherry bombs that can't destroy  you.

"Church Folk" have a million little sayings that supposedly will save the day. You don't realize how true the sayings are until you have to apply them to your life. 

Am I on the straight and narrow? Probably not. I started a fight with a "thing" that I know I won't win, yet I keep it around just because. That's but an entirely different post, but I digress.

Take this from a pretty brown girl who loves you. Don't wait until you need Him to need Him. He's Already there anyway. Amen?

I luv you.

Consistent Obedience

1 Peter 1:14 - as obedient children, not conforming yourselves to the former lusts, as in your ignorance.

The start of a new year brings an eagerness to commit to change within one's life. The excitement of being granted another fresh start, another chance, to correct past mistakes is something many of us look forward to. We begin thinking of the many changes we'll make in November, and sometimes earlier, but can't press the start button until January 1st. We jot down resolutions that may, or may not, make it past the 2-week trial period. And let's not forget about the pledge to lose weight by joining The Forgotten Treadmills of America Club. You know good and 2025 doggone well you ain't going to the gym...

Still, we persevere with brilliant blueprints designed to make us the best of the best that society has to offer. No faults or imperfections.  The, "That" could never be me," mentality has continued to fool many of us. "That" is you, it's just "That" in a different form.

Some of us perfect people choose one positive word to sum up our new efforts. Each year my one word is obedience. Each year I ask myself why do I always choose the word obedience. Well, it's been said that you have to repeat the same error over and over until you get it right. Geesh, what in the world do I keep messing up? And every year? Dang, Wanda.

I promise you each day I receive multiple blessings. I also promise you I'm proof that you can get some good stuff even when you don't deserve good stuff. I did a deep dive into the word obedience as it pertains to  me and realized that the things I attached the word obedience to didn't equate to 365 days. It didn't add up to 6 months straight or, at times 2 days. Dang, Wanda!

The issue with my word, or better yet, me, is what I choose to be obedient to. Realizing that I'm not consistent kinda messed me up a bit. Gotta be truthful with who you are and who you present to the world. Going outside each day and striving to come home to an Oscar award ceremony that no one attends is absolute stupidity. A seven-day cruise to a fool's paradise where everything that you paid for is free? What? I'm not trying to figure that out.

Consistent  and obedience are my 2 words for 2025. I thank God for allowing me to be aware and feel in the moment experiences. I finally understand that I can't share what is especially for me. That doesn't mean you're selfish or don't have concern for others. That does mean that what's for you is for you, and you better love it as such. You also can't tell everything nor can you include folks who don't have the same mindset. Differences make the world go around and opposites attract. Sometimes the differences and opposites are filled with love. And that's a good thing. 

2025 is the year I plan to do everything right! And here we go...I done messed up already! Dang Wanda...

Soooooooooooooo, I'm obedient in what I'm supposed to do. You know, daily life stuff - requirements. I'm not obedient in things outside of the norm. At times what I want and how I feel cause my mind to focus on thoughts that I shouldn't, but I want to and I like it, so I do. Wants added with feelings  may cause you to become a manipulated puppet to emotions. They control you and your obedience is null and void. (not conforming yourselves to the former) Until you gain control of you, go sit down in a truck stop bathroom and hang a sign around your neck. Out.Of.Order.

Being consistently obedient to what you want is a battle with a beast!  If it isn't a need, but more so a desire - Out.Of.Order.

If you could see my thoughts, you'd see me trying to walk across Niagara Falls on a tightrope, falling off and landing on the Titanic as it's sinking, and then trying to outswim Jaws while looking for a helicopter that has dropped a safety ladder. Oh, the horror.

This life requires you to be obedient in all things. What you feed your body, your mind and your soul matters. But yah'll know how "we" get down. A lil' brown liquor, a box of Newport 100s and fried chittlins' never hurt nobody until it hurts you. Consistently greasy and obediently out of breath. Man listen... 

Sequential small things will keep you on the right track. Sometimes we need to simply turn the TV off, tune out the reckless noise and sit in silence. I received a reality check one night while watching an ooooooooweeeee program. I won't mention the name of the show that slapped me in my face. Someone on the screen looked directly me and said, 

"Girl, this is why you're struggling with consistent obedience." 

"But..."

"Turn it off." 

I ain't had no business watching the show but, yeah, uh, never mind.

The ways that I attempt to reason with my obedience is laughable. The situation isn't the same, maybe similar, but not exactly the same. The people, places and things are different, so as long as I don't do that I'm okay doing this. Nope! Gotta be all in or gotta be all in. And that's the way it's gotta be.

What I will say I know for sure is that when God tells you no, tell Him thank you. Life is beautiful. Don't jack yours up continuing to fight an opponent that, 

1. Doesn't want to be in the ring with you in the first place. 

2. Will unplug your life support and then plug it back in just to see you struggle again. 

We can be consistently obedient to situations that cause us harm, an activity, habit or a person. Loyalty  to a distraught individual is the worst. You ain't gotta rely on a fool, that absolutely knows they're a fool, and enjoys the foolish attention they receive to slow down your progress. 

Did you make a choice to remain in agreement with a person, place or thing that picks stupidity daily as their road map? Is that where your consistent obedience lies? If you paused before answering, ask yourself what's really going on with you. 

 Listen, we gotta pray that Godzilla doesn't get to the helicopter before me because that will be tragic. Everybody gets a turn, so if I get got, you're on deck next. Come on, my friend; consistent obedience or consequences and repercussions? We gotta get through this life together. Will you work with me?

I luv you. 

In the Socket

 

I've been told that I'm persistent, and I agree with that. I've been told that I'm determined, and I also agree with that. Add proactive and independent to the list, too. Independence was my green light to do things without hesitation, and my proactive nature caused me to halt many of the nonsense I started before it derailed, burst into flames, and died. I'm not sure if my persistence or determination caused me to do some of the ridiculous things I did when I was young, though. I'll chalk it up to being an innocent child and give myself a pass.

Daily I heard, "don't touch that," which came from my parents. Most times I complied because my daddy's belt was the king of discipline. The one thing that held power over me and always trumped my parents and the belt, was an electrical outlet. Wall sockets always smiled at me in our 22nd Street apartment and I knew I heard them call my name. 

"Come here, Niecy." 

"Niecy, I'm bored. Come talk to me."

"Wanda Denise Hudson! Little girl, you know you want to be my friend."

Hearing my full name was a call to action. It wanted to play with me. A friendly game of tag, you're it, was all the socket required.

I don't remember how I knew that I wasn't supposed to stick anything in the socket, I just knew not to do it. I have always been talkative and friendly, and even though the sockets were off limit,  they would not be denied the opportunity of getting to know me.

How did I know my mother's sewing scissors would fit perfectly in the socket? I'll call it natural knowledge. Or better yet, common sense. The kind of common sense to know it was wrong but not common enough to know not to do it. That's confusing...

I can see myself as I type this. I was on my knees in me and my brother's room, directly in front of the outlet. Yah'll, I tell no lies when I say that thing smiled at me! I inched closer, leaned forward and slowly moved my left hand, which held the scissors, closer to it's mouth. Why did I move so slow? Was it because I knew something would or would not happen? The real question is why didn't I stop? Because the socket wanted to be my friend, that's why!

Well, well, well...the tip of the scissors walked into the socket's house, and the lyrics from DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince' song played for me before they knew it would be a hit for them.

Boom, shake shake shake the room, boom, shake shake shake the room, boom, shake shake shake the room, tick, tick, tick, tick, boom!

The socket thrust me back forcefully while saying, "Uh, uh, little girl, we will have none of that breaking and entering up in here!"

"What? I thought you wanted to be my friend! I don't get it..."

I think I was airborne for a good 3 seconds and then I hit the floor hard, on my back. I don't know how long I was unconscious for. I'm cracking up now as I'm writing this!

I opened my eyes to see my mother standing over me.

"Niecy..."

When I was older and could understand, my mother told me the lights flickered, went black, BOOM, and then came back on. She knew I'd done something. I was always doing something. She walked up the stairs and came into the room to see me laying on my back. My arms and legs were spread wide in preparation for making a snow angel. I heard a low gasp when she saw the scissors. They lay a few inches from my left hand with the tip emitting a low singed ember.

We can read that I didn't die, nor was I physically hurt. My feelings were shook up due to the socket violating our friendship. My mother helped me up off the floor and told me not to touch her scissors again. Shock and gratitude probably stopped her from saying anything else. Thankfully, my father wasn't home. He would've torn my tail all the way up! I'll tell yah'll about my crayon incident one day. Oooooooooweeeeeee...

The saying, in the pocket, is what we use when that thing fits. In baseball, the ball is thrown and secure in the glove, in the pocket. When that happens the person on deck probably struck out. Musicians play in the pocket and we hear a beat like no other. Listen to James Brown for complete understanding. When we're in sync and everything lines up for us, our world is in the pocket. Perfection.

During an eighth-grade group discussion regarding various relationships, the teacher said men and women fit together like a plug in a socket. I think on that at times and wonder, will they continue to fit when the socket has a boom reaction?

Life is full of socket experiences. We identify them with the simple phrase of, "What happened?"

One minute, everything is rolling along smoothly. Your job. Your finances. Your relationship. And then, BOOM. The shock of your life happens and knocks you out! One sucker punch to the gut that takes your next few breaths. It shows no mercy and leaves you smoking with no explanation required.

What causes us to have an, in the socket, experience? Some call it temptation. When I hear the word temptation I think of illicit behavior. Dirty things that you bet not tell nobody. A feel good dirty that's not so good for you. A dirty that you don't want to get clean from. Did the socket tempt me or did I tempt myself? I was a child, so I'll go with curious. Dang...curiosity killed the cat. I don't want to die as a result of  being curious or illicit behavior. Then again, some things aren't temptation or curiosity. They're just there.

Examine yourself. Are you aiming for sockets and are full aware and know of the shock that's waiting just for you after the initial thrill? The adrenaline rush? Will you continue to aim and hope that you recover from the delicate ticks? Being a little shook up never hurt nobody, right? Just ask a boxer. They take some heavy hitter jabs and get a break when the bell rings. Eventually the bout is over - do they suffer any consequences after 10 rounds of boom?

The general consensus is that when we know better, we do better. Some of us know better and do different, which doesn't necessarily mean better, just different. Same MO, same game plan, but you recruited "better" players. When it doesn't work the boom of the socket, or the, "What happened", is always your fault that you aren't comfortable taking responsibility for, so off to the next socket you go.

100% honesty for me; I'm still aiming. Why? Curiosity, not temptation. Insert your favorite quotes here-

• "Nothing beats a failure but a try."
• "An excuse is a reason for nothing."
• "If at once you don't succeed, try again."
• "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
• "Go ahead and do it, Wanda. Just do it." - I made that one up.

Be honest with yourself and reality check your connections. What are you plugged in to or attempting to receive a surge from? Is it welcoming? Were you invited? Do you fit in the socket comfortably, or is there a BOOM waiting patiently for you?

I luv you.