It Was For Me

One thing we folks tend to do is make plans. Birthday, holiday, work, vacation, living arrangements - everything is a plan. Some are not very well thought out, while others are detailed to include sub-topics with bullet points. Plans that are made for two people, supposedly for we, but are more focused on one I.

Today, this morning at 7:42( an approximate guess-timate) I learned something that removed unanswered questions and thoughts. When God reveals His why, and breaks it down to your level of understanding; country-fied exclamation -  it don't get no better than that!

A few years back we made plans. While riding into work this morning,  I passed a sign that I previously took pictures of. I'd only see it when leaving the State  after visiting. I see it
more frequently now, so I don't take pictures of it anymore. It was that sign that God showed me His why. It was for me.

We made plans for us, that were for I, and the I is you, but it was for me. Wanda? What did you just say? Me is the one who didn't know what was in motion was already done. Today I know what the what is.

I'm the one who God chose to see that sign on a regular basis, and smile each time as if it were the first. I'm the one who God chose to work in a new State, even if it has been a "test" that He will reveal the results of to me soon. Expeditiously. I'm the one who God chose to encounter a few living arrangements before planting me where He wants me to be. It was for me. He is amazing.

Having faith the size of a mustard seed will give you power. Imagine having faith that can't be measured? We easily say what God has for you is for you, until we don't want to accept what it is. Is this it? This can't be it? I honestly don't recall using those statements, but I do know I've asked why, why, and how numerous times. When you don't see it coming and it just shows up - it was for me.

As I continue on my journey in this new season, I'm grateful that I see my blessings in the moment. I've had many blessings that I've never acknowledged and didn't even realize the benefits that I received from it. I thought it was something that I did. Yes, we have the power of choice, but it's rarely something that we did. For me to break that down will be an entire new post, so I digress...

Today was the best day ever. I say that alot, lately, and that's a good thing. Today I got the "IT" that I didn't see coming nor did I understand. The title means so much more to me than what happened this morning. To know that I am so loved and appreciated, in spite of the many mistakes I've made, deserves an oooooooooweeeeeeeeee!

You can never beat a natural high. Your heart thumps with excitement and your mind races through a field of beautiful dreams. That was me today. Beating, thumping, running and jumping, well, mentally because I was sitting down, but still. The realization of knowing it was for me and that I am the benefactor is unexplainable. Thank you, Jesus.

I luv you.

 

Something In My Heart

On Saturday May 15, 2021 a tight fist filled with uncontrolled rage made a connection with my face. That connection started the movement in my life, which has lead me to this day and this post. As I think about that moment until now, all I can and want to say is oooooooooweeeeeee.

This picture was taken on Monday May 17, 2021. I was chunky and although my insides juggled and felt like black jello, I was determined to be cute. Getting dressed up for work would conceal the fact that something in my heart wasn't quite right. Something in my heart had a small crack in it, yet it didn't crumble. Something in my heart lit a stick of dynamite that didn’t explode; instead, it forced me to keep on pushing.

If you look closely at the lower right side of my face you'll see a dark spot. That's the present that remained for a while as the result of a misguided Santa. What kind of gift is that to give?

The purpose of this post is not what led up to the 3rd round knock out, or to belittle the other party, 'cause yah'll know there are always a few sides to every story. The purpose of this post is just a small part of my healing process. See, I recently realized something about myself and writing this is that one puzzle piece that I don't have to force to fit. Placing it in the perfect spot removes the uncertainty and makes everything better than alright.

No, I do not want to go back. There is absolutely nothing to go back to. I understand that something in my heart desires  forward motion. I understand that I can be loved, that I can love, and that I can be sweet to just one somebody. Man, learning things about yourself is a personal doctorate degree. The information is only for you, and can't not nobody take that knowledge  away.

When I look at this picture I don't see sadness or even focus on the bruise from the inside out on my face. I don't have the dress, wig or the shoes anymore. I do have the earrings, the necklace and the heart. The heart that God has forgiven and bestowed with grace and mercy. Oooooooooweeeeeee...

This post is to let you know that whatever it is you're dealing with or going through, keep going. Save you. Preserve you. Realize that you can't want someone more than you want yourself. You can't beat a spirit. Everything shouldn't be a battle, sadness or miserable. Taking medicine in the form of alcohol, vodka to be specific, won't cure the sickness of despair. Ugh, that reads like depression 101 and who wants to willingly be depressed?

Uhm, 2024 has been real good to me. My 58th birthday ushered in a whole lotta newness and I'm so here for it. I'm here for me to love. Loving me allows me to love you. I know and understand that now. Revelation.

Something in my heart, something in my heart has got me hooked on me...stick around and allow my heart to get hooked on you.

I luv you.

in-ten-tio-nal

done on purpose; deliberate

"intentional wrongdoing and harm"

Have you ever said or were on receiving end of, "I didn't intend for that to happen?" Think about it for a moment. If that small phrase has never been a part of your vocabulary, count it a blessing. I guess its not drastic if you've said it after you burned eggs, or shrunk an article of clothing by mistake. We never intend for anything bad to happen; especially if its the misfortune of an act that directly affects me, you, or I. 

Intentional intentions are usually directed towards someone you subconsciously want to hurt, but didn't intend to. Hurtful words that have been rehearsed and repeated silently over and over, meticulously waiting for the right moment to intentionally shatter someone to the core.

Do we ever intend to assassinate a relationship? To the inner depths of its being? Yes.We.Do. We want it to be over. We want it to be done. Finished. Poof be gone. Still, the thought that settles in our mind after the decapitating blow is blasted, the thought that rises up and down like a see saw; knowing it will crash to the ground and cause pain to the person on the receiving end is, we didn't intend for that to happen.

I didn't intend to tell you I love you. I should have been more intentional and focused on the truth. Giving someone a false sense of belonging is an illustration of a malfunctioning character trait. A flaw. An intentional motive that results in you always being the benefactor is one of those, "I didn't mean for that to happen," scenarios. At least one of us is happy, right? And when it comes right down to it being happy is what really matters. It doesn't matter if that happiness if for self preservation within a relationship, right? Gotta take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone or anything else. You have to intentionally intend to take care of yourself.

The domino effect is a prime example of intentional intentions. Hours or even days are spent constructing a design that takes a few minutes to fall. Think of the joy that's felt as we meticulously watch the design fall, piece by piece, continuing on until all the soldiers are at parade rest.

"It just happened," equals intentional intentions. "I don't know why I did that," equals intentional intentions. Making a choice equals intentional intentions. Big sin, little sin, everywhere a sin sin, equals intentional intentions. The flesh is weak equals intentional intentions. Is there a cure? Possibly, but most times we don't want it until the target is hit. 

It's easy to say think before you speak or put a plan in to motion. For myself I do, and still  orchestrate intentionally. A favorite line, excuse or half hearted apology is, "God is not through with me yet." Maybe so, but if you don't want it done to you, don't do it to anyone else. Will that stop us from hurting someone that we didn't mean to hurt? I can't answer that, I'm just writing out loud. It's something to think about, though. Intentional intentions...oooooooooooooweeeeeee...

I love you.

Does Not Apply

We attach and detach ourselves to life situations based on how we feel about them. Joyous occasions that we didn't physically participate in become a part of our narrative solely because the recipient of our fabricated tales become happy as we talk about it. We pick and choose which parts of our actuality to share, limiting the words that shame us and suppressing feelings that burn our insides like heated acid poured slowly on an open wound. Our friends and acquaintances view our life like an Oscar winning movie they wish they had the honor to star in. Lie. Deceit. Hmmmmm, harsh words indeed, but not necessarily needed to describe the art you choose to imitate your life. I chose art that I halfway interpreted. Many times I shorted myself and illustrated it one fourth of the way. It would seem if I was honest with myself that feeling of acid wouldn't have burned so long nor flared up intermittently. 

I never thought of myself as a victim of domestic violence. That's something that happened to other women. They got beat up. They got jumped on. They got cussed out, slapped and belittled. They were made to feel 100% less than the women they are. You're the pretty adjective woman that he fell in love with until that gorilla beast fist connects with your face. Then you become the adverb. Pretty ugly. Pretty dumb. Pretty insignificant.

Domestic violence didn't happen to me because it didn't happen on the regular. I got my first black eye when I was 21 and my second one when I was 48. Reading it sounds like I received medals. No need for flair or the description regarding the particulars, however one of my opponents did say, 

"The reason why you got punched in the face is because..." 

Negro, what? And that's negro with a short I, two G's and a short A. I will say that writing it and thinking about it doesn't hurt anymore. What happened during the years in between is not something I'll go into detail about, yet I remember the irregular, regular occurrences.

Recently I had a conversation with someone that opened my mind to my does not apply mentality. It wasn't that domestic violence did not apply; it's the hurt, shame, sick in your pit, shock and embarrassment that comes with it. How do you recover from that?  One negro, and that's negro with an I, two G's and an A, hit me in my face while we were at work and then walked off. My coworker walked up and asked me did he hit me. I said no, smiled and proceeded to work as if nothing happened. Sick in my pit and holding tears of shame. Telling yourself your truth enables you to not allow anyone else to assist you with their lie. You're still here and you're beautiful.

My realization has been a long time coming. Each relationship would be different. Better. Make it last forever. Girl...well, I'm divorced, single, and I'm still here. 

As you take self inventory check what does not apply in your life. Is it there or not there because you made the decision, or is it due to someone else's inadequacies? A black eye, a busted lip, and mental gymnastics that are not sport regulated do not define you. Forgive yourself. Forgive the who, what, where, when and how. Live my friend...live.

The picture I chose to accompany this post was taken by my mother when I was 18. We were in my brother's room waiting for my friends to come get me to go to the Monte Carlo club in Niagara Falls. My father kept this picture in a frame on the coffee table that was in front of the couch he sat on nightly. He looked at it EVERYDAY and said how pretty is babygirl is. This was before I allowed so many does not apply foolishness to suffocate me while still breathing. The girl in the picture is here and moving forward. The smile on my 18 year old face is now in the pit of my 57 year old body. Does Not Apply...oooooooooooooweeeee...Ain't God GOOD?

I luv you.

Shift

 

Shift

First, I was fired. Two weeks later, I was hired. The job didn't pan out due to a laspe of insurance in 2002, which I had no knowledge of until 2005, that was on my driving record. I would have to operate a company car in their lot on occasion, and my NYS driving skills couldn't overcome a three year old piece of paper that was shuffled in a mix-up. Of course I ALWAYS rebound and one week after that, I was hired again. I began the job and low and behold, two days later, another employer thought I was the stuff top rate employees are made of and hired me again! So tomorrow morning I shall report for duty with a great attitude in hopes of prosperity and as of late, the very evasive paycheck.

This last month has been a collage of mood changing experiences for me. I feel like I have been driving with a broken brake fluid line and my clutch is corroded. I was forced to shift to keep up and surpass a set speed limit. Some days I drove into barriers. The dents sent me into deep thought and revelations but I gassed up and kept on rolling.

I've been on so many shifts this last month. The first shift was the 8am to 8am haul. I stayed home on those days. Contemplating exactly what I was supposed to do with the confusion filled speed bumps that popped up just when the road seemed paved slapped me into a dazed stupor. 8-4, 4-12, 12-8...you better shift if you want to stay afloat.

A median of a normal steady stream of air is what I desire. I desperately want to go each day without holding my breath, sitting and staring at the telephone, or checking my lottery tickets over and over, knowing the numbers don't add up to the jackpot. My eyes have never lost sight of my writing or releasing my first novel. I never understand when someone said they could taste success. Having to shift to stay afloat slammed the taste of success into my soul. I can smell it, feel it, and even have my clothing chosen for my first television debut.

This shift in my life was unexpected. The fact that I didn't total out or file a claim is excellent. I still have the unsettled jitters of being 'at will', which I plan to dispose of in my future. But in the meantime, I'll handle this shift will the exquisite style that I am accustomed to producing.

Is Your Change Adding Up?

 It’s been said that time heals all wounds. I don't think it’s the time alone that heals, but the changes and motion, whether forward or back, that's the medicine. For me it's been forward motion that has my life on the plus side.

The last two years I've struggled with my emotions regarding the death of my father. Hard, evil, angry, miserable - if it equals the word ugly I've felt it. It’s not a good thing, but we all go through it. Death kills us emotionally and then brings us back to Life. Some people live their life to die. Plan for retirement - don't live for it. Plan to live to a fruitful old age - don't hope to live until you're old.

A few weeks after my father died I had a dream about rats and some other stuff that made no sense. My dreams about him always contained a memory of him, but he was never in the dream. Last night I had a dream and he was there. I was in a kitchen and was serving lemon cookies to two of the kids that starred in the Everybody Hates Chris Show. I think the cookies were lemon because two days earlier I bought an Entenmann's Lemon Crunch Cake. Weird. It was the girl, Tanya and the boy, Drew. We were talking about school and teenage stuff. My father was standing by the side of the table and took a few cookies off the plates and ate them. He was smiling and laughing, but I couldn't hear his voice and he never said anything.

When I woke up I remembered the dream and that he was there! My father was in my dream! He was happy and healthy. He had on his glasses and looked just like my daddy. I thought of the times when I was a teenager and would bake cookies. He would come pick a few off the plate and keep walking into the living room to watch TV. I had a hard time remembering good things until lately.

There has been so much forward motion in my life since 2008. Positive motion. I'm still working on financial stability, but my change is adding up. When you step out on faith you step into you. I miss my daddy. I may have pennies in my change purse, but those pennies are adding up to my IT.

Think about who you are, what you want and what you do. Think about the changes you’ve made or are willing to make to get it. A small change is the catapult for greatness. My dream made me realize that I’m getting there. I’m hurt that my father isn’t here, but I’m living. I’m changing and becoming a better person. At the end of each day I don’t feel that my change drawer is short. I can turn in and know that I’ve done good…I’ve done real good. Do your life math; Is Your Change Adding Up?

Uh…does this dream mean that I need to play a number?

My Name is Me

A question that is sometimes asked is what’s in a name? The majority of us were given our names by our parents, a beloved family member or a close family friend. Some took time and researched the meaning of the name. Some created a name by carefully selecting letters from grandparent’s names, favorite aunt’s names, pleasant childhood memories and various cities and States.

“Hey, Hennessy. How’s your day going?”

Then there are names that are produced magically from the activity they were created in. Alizé (mixed with Hennessy will get you a middle name of Smoothvea) Carseata (meaning your existence began in a car seat) Untreenetta (your mother and father were outside under a tree).

There is pride in a name. Names are our foundation and represent a connection to our tribe. There is a sense of accomplishment when asked, “Who are your people?” We rattle off first names, last names, nicknames, names of people who used to go with so and so, and had a baby with the tall man with a limp, and then married Bub who works at the tire factory on Temple Avenue. When you finally stop running your mouth and catch your breath, you feel certified combined with a feeling of satisfaction.

We say it’s not what they call us, but what we answer too. True, yet there is validation in a name. Sometimes we put so much focus and emphasis on our name that we lose direction with our personal identity. Names connect us, so to keep the connection strong, we put in overtime making sure everyone knows the meaning behind it. Somewhere between punching the overtime clock and living, we eliminate the activity of being you. Me.

Ask a child what their mother and father’s name is and they may answer mommy and daddy. We have aunts, uncles, cousins, friends and coworkers. Many of us use the titles – names, freely. Even with those titles, you need to remain Me.

Life is a beautiful thing. Wonderful and exciting. Exhilarating when you surround yourself with love. Peace. It’s easy to forget Me as you travel your journey. We join in holy matrimony, take on our new last name and become one within that name. As you’re moving forward as one, small parts of Me might fall off or dig a hole six feet deep inside you without you even noticing. In your quiet time, ask yourself how many times you’ve done things to appease someone else. How many times have you placed your wants and even needs, to the side thinking you will do it later to enjoy your new name? Whether it be friend, confidant or mate, take pride in your name as well as take pride in Me. Nurture and water Me. Introduce and show Me to whomever you meet.

We were created to give Him glory. Me is a part of His glory. As you move through this life and encounter new experiences and people, say your name boldly. Be grateful you have history that you are proud of. Whenever you’re asked speak your name and tell your story, and remember to include Me.